I wasn’t going to publish this at first. But I decided that since I wrote it, I might as well publish it. I’m not known for self-censorship… –rad
Have you ever had intense feelings for someone who didn’t return the feelings?
I have.
Could it have been love? I have not a clue. What is love? All I know is that something struck me like lightning one day. It was out of the blue; it caught me off guard as I was conducting my normal, everyday life. It wasn’t something I was actively searching for. It was a feeling I had never felt before - and no it wasn’t a heart attack. But similar perhaps?
It was a yearning; a higher purpose calling almost; a desire to do more for someone else than myself; to pursue; to learn all I could about her; to channel all efforts into that relationship, to proclaim and sing and shout and dance and leap. It was a connection beyond space and time; a strange epiphany that scrambled the brain, prevented coherent thought, heightened my alertness, produced sweating and shallow breathing. It was painful butterflies in the stomach. It was hours upon hours of trying to sleep with the mind reeling, constantly thinking and sizing up and evaluating and thinking; an unvarying image always on the mind. A waking dream. A vision with trumpets and chorus. A painful twinge just out of soothing reach.
All those feelings and emotions occurred in a breath. A heartbeat. In the tick of a nanosecond. It encompassed an eternity and continued with each passing moment.
Dream on Russ. A dream indeed.
Sure I’ve had little crushes on the ladies here and there in the past, but nothing like that. I’ve hardly dated anyone in my lifetime because I am so particular when it comes to whom I spend time with, whom I open up to and whom I show my true self. Time is precious. If you believe in something you make the time. You make time for your friends. You make time for your family. You endeavor to make time. There is no room for “second-rate” friendships or friendships of convenience in the modern world. The masks we all wear need to be taken off sometime. The masks should merge into one true face.
At what point does one come clean and say something, profess the truth and feelings, when one already knows the ultimate outcome, the inevitable answer, in their heart? Does one profess that truth when it is painfully obvious by demeanor and the words exchanged between? Should silence be the ultimate profession? Such revelations tend to complicate things more, often resulting in separation forever to prevent uncomfortable silences and the like. That.Is.Horrible. But a fact of life. It’s happened to me. It’s happened to many people.
I told a girl long ago that I liked her and she went silent and never talked to me again. If fact, most of the people I have asked out on dates in the past quit talking with me within a few days, maybe weeks. They moved on. Upon seeking advice about my pain, a girl friend of mine told me: “Sometimes girls drag guys on … so that you will still be friends with them. As soon as you tell a guy you just want to be friends they back off.” Hmmm. I can see how that happens. If you mention to a lady that you want to be more than friends they either:
1.) Are flattered and honored and want to be just friends.
2.) Say ‘no’ then break off all contact and/or distance themselves forever.
3.) Never answer the question.
4.) Accept
Can men be friends with women? Not all men are on the prowl for sex and sex and even more sex, with maybe a little bestial dirt coitus on the side. There is more to a relationship than just a physical relationship. So much more. Is sex going to keep the relationship going when one is pushing 80 or 90 years of age? Maybe. Maybe not. My grandparents Dale were married over 65 years! One of my guy acquaintances said that only gay men could truly be friends with women.
“Just friends…”
…you hear that term a lot nowadays. The relationship rejection factor makes one wonder many things: “What have I done?” “What can I do?” “Is it me?” “Is it my personality?” “My appearance?” “Do I not make enough money?” “Is my profession not very glamorous?” “My clothes?” “My skin color?” “My smile?” “My baldness?” “My success or lack-of success in life?” “My passions?” “Me?”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea” is a term I have heard and been pounded in the head with all my adult life. It is true. There are. I sometimes wonder if my life mate was alive 200 years ago, or has yet to be born.
What is vital to human interaction? Trust is important to relationships. Communication. Loyalty. Safety. Comfort. Love. Fun. Understanding. Respect. I could ramble on and on about my “perverse” sense of human relationships. Call me old fashioned if you want. Maybe that is my failing. I don’t shy away from courtly love and chivalry.
Ultimately, on the journey of life, one must muster up the courage to move forward and pick up the pieces of a heart shattered or disappointed. To move on. It is a stark human experience in a world that is more complicated now than it has ever been in the history of humankind. Men and women are so different. Women have ventured out of the “traditional” homemaker roles into roles of success and power and liberation and they create individual goals and dreams. I think this is great. I’m all for strong women. Many of the characters in my novel are strong women. They are enormous role models in society. The strongest woman I know, who busted her butt to provide for 4 children single-handedly, raised me.
I suppose we all look for guidance and acceptance by those around us. To make a connection or impact in life that is a true mark of friendship or love. Some turn to a higher power for help. Some turn to friends and family. Some turn to their peers. Some turn inside themselves. Some block out their pain altogether. Some turn to all of these.
But one should never deny love, even if it is a hopeless kind of love. It is, after all, what being human is all about. We think. We feel. We experience. We analyze. We live day-to-day, minute-to-minute and second-to-second…always moving forward to the unknown an exciting future.
We love.
If we deny love that is given to us or refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty. And our loss greater.
Posted by RAD at March 11, 2008 11:11 AM