Transformers (2007)

To all the haters of this movie, screw you. Screw you with the old-fashioned Transformer toys I played with endlessly as a youth child. If I could, I’d personally hire someone to shove the green Constructicons whole Devastator robot down your complaining, ungrateful throughts. I loved “Transformers.” I loved it! You know you loved it.

I arrived wicked early (I got to the theatre at 4pm and then my sister and PLJ followed shortly after. The show started at 07:30pm). After a hearty Mexican food dinner and a doubly rich dessert of Cold Stone ice cream (cheesecake ice cream mixed with cake batter ice cream mixed with cookie dough in a waffle cone/bowl), I drank 2 Gonzo Imperial Porter, which gave me a hefty buzz. We tailgated in the parking lot with chairs and coolers and the employees inside the theatre laughed at us and thought we were camping-out for the new Harry Potter movie. As if! Filthy British kids. I hope Ron Weasley dies. And Hagrid.

I thoroughly enjoyed “Transformers,” a Michael Bay film. The flick had all of the classic Michael Bay antics like gas-fueled explosions, chaos, elaborate tracking shots, effective use of the magic hour sunset lighting, carnage, action, slow motion Akira Kurosawa right stuff images, great ancillary characters, state-of-the-art military hardware on display perfectly in the frame (shouldn’t it be deployed in this time of war?), sunset love, quick cuts, witty humor, people eating a plate of doughnuts, city streets getting demolished, guns, cars flying too-and-fro through the air and gas-fueled explosions. Like “Pearl Harbor” or “Armageddon” or “The Rock,” this movie reeked of Michael Bay goodness. Did I mention gas-fueled explosions?

This movie was surprisingly funny. Some of the humor contained within was unnecessary “potty humor,” like when Bumblebee took a piss on Agent Simmons (John Turturro), but overall the comedy played well. I laughed. I was mildly amused when Optimus said “my bad.” There were eBay and internet references throughout. It was a timely, current, ultra modern spectacular summer blockbuster.

Boy Shia LaBeouf held his own in this film and the banter between he and his parents was priceless.

Seeing Transformers realized in live-action transported me back to my innocent youth. I played with Optimus Prime toys. I wish I took my old skool Megatron Transformer to the theatre with me, an ancient talisman of glory childhood. I can see the headlines now: “Local man detained after taking toy gun into movie theatre.” Pish posh! Oh and fuck-face, throwing trash on the floor at a movie is every viewer’s right! You’re lucky I didn’t spat partially chewed popcorn down the back of your shirt.

Industrial Light and Magic (ILM): they crunched the pixels in this film. The special effects are the best I have ever seen in a movie (yes, even better than those overrated “Lord of the Hobbit” movies). The FX set the bar higher for all future movies.

You have got to see Transformers on the big screen.

Thankfully there were not too many bratty kids in the audience. I could have done without the mini-robots grunting and providing stupid comic relief. It was as if George Lucas inspired those bits.

Posted by RAD at July 3, 2007 10:59 PM