Bastard Phone Bill

My cellular phone bill this month was massive. Probably because of the string of increasingly bizarre text messages I got from my psycho X-girlfriend. Here are some of the best:

TEXT MSG 1: if U refuse 2 B my Valentine, then U R evil!

TEXT MSG 2: if Jesus were here, he would beat U down with a rubber hose or something biblical like an acoustic weapon that disorients rioters

TEXT MSG 3: R U going 2 acknowledge me?

TEXT MSG 4: reply if U get this K?

TEXT MSG 5: R U getting these messages?

TEXT MSG 6: i curse your name! spittle ejects from my fuming mouth!

TEXT MSG 7: there waz once a fairy and a brute. the brute kicked the fairy down and laughed at the fairy husk on the ground

TEXT MSG 8: i will make U regret U broke it off with me

TEXT MSG 9: my own flesh i don稚 luv better than U!

TEXT MSG 10: i hope U stick your head somewhere dirty

TEXT MSG 11: i officially un-invite you from my theme party

TEXT MSG 12: i thought i would relay 2 U my thoughts about U being a complete BASTARD!

TEXT MSG 13: i am so angered by U that i cannot use the toilet. U have clogged my bowels U assface prick!!! happy?

TEXT MSG 14: i wish U would come over and we can make up

TEXT MSG 15: i hope while crossing the street a speeding truck strikes U, killing U dead

TEXT MSG 16: without U there is a void in my life

TEXT MSG 17: i知 coming over 2 destroy your car lol

TEXT MSG 18: answer me coward!

TEXT MSG 19: U stupid idiot

TEXT MSG 20: can we at least B friends?

--
I should have know something was wrong months ago when I got this desperate voicemail while I was on vacation. It痴 verbatim:

PSYCHO X:

Hey there you! I--I hope this is the right number. Uh � how was your day? I知 a complete mess. So � um � I lost my job last Thursday; the third temp job in 2 weeks. What is wrong with me huh? Nothing goes well for me. I miss your potency.

I � um � burned a pot of fucking rice this evening. Color is lost y談now? The world is gray to me. My life is spiraling into darkness. I thought my volunteering at the Rec center would give me some sort of peace. I was wrong.

They laugh at me there. I skank for snot. That painful laughter. Faces taunt me. At once more the dreams have returned. My loneliness. Hello Russ. My cries float up to me in my dreams. Those dreams. You池e there. In my dreams. I haunt you.

I haven稚 heard from you in a long while. I have sent you 10 emails in as many days. Do I have your email address wrong? The gloaming � long past � I am beyond the twilight now. All that lies before me is a wasteful abyss of nothingness. Call me. Maybe we can get together and remain silent jointly. No words. Just presence. I like to stare at you. Uh � okay � please call me back. I want to look at you intently. Just stare. Would you let me watch you? I really need to stare at you. I think�uh�um�I think I am going nutty without you. The madness is here, just out of reach. Please call me. Where are you?

Talk to you later.

CLICK. PHONE GOES DEAD.

Posted by RAD at February 16, 2006 2:11 PM