July 16, 2004
The Swedish Chef Scares Me
Am I the only one who is terrified of the Muppet Swedish Chef? Are not Muppets supposed to bring joy and morals
not images of brutal murder and cooking? The Swedish Chefs freakish image floats up to me in my dreams. Whenever I saw him as a child, his real hands alarmed me. I think that its the real hands that really turn me off to this creature. Just writing this entry unsettles me.
Did you see that Muppet back there!? He had real hands! Those are real man hands on a Muppet!
Those real hands are capable of strangling you. Those real hands wield butcher knives and meat cleavers and knives and stabbing weapons. Those real hands can suffocate you or poke out your eyes. Those real hands can pat you on the back and then behead you or yank at your hair. Those real hands are in desperate need of a manicure.
The Swedish Chef doesnt speak English, so he could tell you to your face that he is going to kill you and you just would laugh it off. Its just a cute, mustached, cloth Muppett with unnatural human hands!!! You would be snickering at his jovial movements until he bum rushes you, reaching towards your throat, pawing at your face, trying to cut off all oxygen to your brain by applying pressure to your esophagus. I am sure he has superhuman strength. Any creature with real hands and no eyes cannot be trusted.
I can hear the hateful words of the Swedish Chef now, I em gueeng tu keell yuoo Rooss su yuoo better vetch yuoor beck! My reel hunds ere-a here-a tu strungle-a yuoo!
There are actually Swedish Chef fan websites
It says on there, And if you think he isn't funny You don't have any humor! No. I value my life and do not wish to be prematurely killed by a rampaging Muppet with real hands!!!!!
Ugh. Im scarred for life.
July 13, 2004
Jon Halinkowski
My sister痴 boyfriend was Jon. I had been friends with Jon in high school. We lost touch over the years and earlier this year we got back in touch and got together for beers and darts. My sis and Jon hit it off real well. I had never seen my sister happier. They dated. Jon met the grandparents.
Jon had been in the military. Jon was a member of the original Droogs and an active participator as Grayfox on our BBS Vision �f Anarchy (2400 baud/24 hours a day/7 days a week/365 days a year!!! Bring your food raw; we will cook it for you. November 8, 1990). The first time I ever got drunk was with MELT and Jon. We were 16 and Jon fell down the stairs and cut his chin really bad. MELT used his Boy Scout skills and patched up his chin pretty good. Jon痴 parents were pissed. Jon, my younger brother and I ate lunch almost everyday my senior year. Jon made me a massive, two handled coffee mug.
I had my gripes with Jon. I felt that he talked down to me and treated me with disrespect; similar to the way he was in high school. Before he left town, I had the chance to talk to him about it. I told him that things seemed to be going well with he and my sister and we needed to clear things up. It was a good conversation and in my eyes we set things straight.
In May, Jon got in trouble with the law and decided to flee Colorado. Despite pleas from my sister and his friends to turn himself in, Jon decided to leave. The thought of prison was not an option for him nor was living the kind of life after prison. He packed up his belongings and left town within days, leaving my sister dumbfounded and distraught with vague plans to rendezvous again someday. I have a feeling that if my sister had the funds, she would have went with him.
They corresponded through chat and emails and at the end of June, Jon was filled with despair about his life and found himself alone and without hope. He had made his way to Canada and then to Australia. I can only imaging the feelings of helplessness and aloneness he felt. He had been having nightmares and not leading a happy life.
He stated to my sister that he was going to kill himself, despite all of the support he received from people back home. He knew the pain and grief that would be left behind. He apologized to her and said it was for selfish reasons. She made frantic calls to my mother, not knowing what to do or say in such circumstances. She and Jon talked via email or instant messaging every Friday. She pleaded with Jon over emails, not knowing if her messages were being received. I could only imaging the hopeless feeling she had.
After not hearing from him for two Friday痴, ten days had passed. Word came yesterday that the authorities in Australia had gotten in touch with Jon痴 parents in Tennessee. The authorities relayed the news that they had found his body. Jon had committed suicide.
My sister is devastated. I have never seen her filled with such sadness. Lots of tears were spilt yesterday and many more to come as this story unfolds. Details are sketchy at this time because the American Consulate in Australia only releases information to family members, but supposedly his ashes will be sent back and there will be a memorial service.
Why did he feel that he had no hope? Why did he have to do this to his friends and family? Why did he do this to my sister? There is always hope when facing life. Death should not be an option. It痴 a tragedy. I致e been doing my share of praying lately.
Jen -- I'm so sorry. I love you.
Jon -- you will be deeply missed.
*UPDATE*
Information can be found here for Jon Halinkowski's Funeral Reception.
Date: Tuesday, August 10th
Time: 6:30 pm
Place: 2659 S. Newcombe St.
Lakewood, CO 80227
July 4, 2004
Biscuits and Gravy Society
Biscuits and gravy: the finest grub ever invented by modern man. I am the founder and President of The B&G Society, a vagabond group of people who search the world over for the holiest of holies: the bestest plate of biscuits and gravy ever! We elite at the B&G Society are ever searching, always seeking, the holy grail of biscuits and gravy.
My fascination with this wholesome treat started in my teen years. I first made biscuits and gravy on Sunday, December 1, 1991. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 16 at the time and whipped up a hefty batch with best friend MELT. The culinary delight had ground turkey white gravy and was GOOD!
Here at the radhole HQ, we have shared countless plates of biscuits and gravy together over the years.
The search still continues to this day.
I pride myself on taking the quest so very seriously. I know that the finest plate of biscuits and gravy is out there somewhere. Some say B&G is deadly and I laugh! I consider it like the Japanese delicacy, fugu! The hunt for B&G takes determination, foresight and leaves no room for bashfulness. Its a rough road. Dont be afraid to photograph your biscuits and gravy. You shall not be persecuted.
While on the travels, one never knows when one will hit a B&G jackpot. Truck stops, family owned restrents or street vendors usually sell the grub B&G. Undoubtedly, while on the road, there is a painful twinge in the back of your brain, a hankering for a mess of fluffy, mongo buttermilk biscuits slathered in peppery, white country sausage gravy. Few can fight the urge.
In the constant search for biscuity goodness, the quest has taken me to various locations upon this great American land: Kentucky, Alabama, Kansas, Iowa, Minnesota, California, Delaware, New York, Washington DC, Georgia, Tennessee, Illinois, Missouri, South Dakota, Texas, Florida, Utah and Colorado.
Ive searched and searched for the ideal biscuity knowledge. The one true source! But nothing compares to the righteous and stout recipe by GrandPappie Bailey. I was weaned on his freshly split buttery enchantment. I used to watch him craft breakfast. He was a cook in the World War II. He taught me to cook. Them biscuits are legendary! Them breakfasts am hearty. I salivate.
Old GrandPappie Bailey perfected his blissful recipe when he was four years old back in Saratoga Township, Pratt County, Kansas in 1925! Forget Bisquick! GrandPappie make his exquisite biscuits from scratch and theyll make you rise on up and proclaim with a hearty holler "GrandPappie Baileys biscuits make me sing in jubilee!" Add those goodly biscuits to perfecto gravy sunshine, luscious gravy or grubby gravy; all made from the drippings of the finest browned breakfast sausage, and youve got yourself a mess of breakfast delight!
Biscuits and Gravy, a tradition in certain circles, is also a great ceremony. There are times when B&G is made just for the sake of making it. Its a treat sitting down to a steaming plate of biscuits and gravy. Try it. They taste good any time of year.
Besides homemade, the current best biscuits and gravy (2007) reside at Bauer's Campus Café, 435 Poncha, Alamosa, CO 81101 (719) 589-4202. They are cheap and delectable.
Russ Dale
Biscuits and Gravy Society
THE B&G RAP by Russ Dale
Biscuits and Gravy Rap Lyrics:
TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Yo. We hit the B&G jackpot dawg. We be sittin' down to a heapin' plate of biscuits and gravy yo. Better dan da restrents. Come on over Shiz-Hole. It's homemade from the drippings of the finest browned breakfast sausage. Uh huh. Dats right. You's got a hankering for a mess of fluffy, mongo buttermilk biscuits covered in peppery, white country sausage gravy? I'll sees you in ten minutes dawg!
What up J-Hole? I's got a song fo you.
Forget your cereal. We got lardy goodness.
It's ethereal. Down right crudeness
Food stuffs. Release your cuffs.
No greasy bacon. Hey I ain't fakin' It's time to awaken!
No no no
No eggs neither
Take a breatha
We's gonna slather
or rather
tether, every otha, whilst enjoy this weather.
And together
Fill our bellies with anti jams and jellies. Inhale the smellies, no delis fellies, feelin' wellies. Feliz Navadad!
Knees on sod, pray to God, not Zod, just nod, join the B&G vice squad. It's odd.
It's peppery. We play. Don't stray!
It's biscuity goodness. Call the press.
I see you drool. Welcome to school.
You's got hunger? You ain't getting' any younger!
The pains be stabbin'. Yo stomach you grabbin'
Soooooooooooo
(Chorus)
Grab a plate yo. It's feast time.
You's be filled with glee
At my blissful recipe.
It's Biscuits. Biscuits and gravy. (HAY-VE)
freshly split
buttery enchantment (buttery)
hearty contentment
Don't be lazy. Taste my gravy
I used that buttermilk? Smoother than silk!
And da steamin' pepper white gravy. Sweeeeeeet so very savory.
Can't forget the peppah. Freshly ground black peppah.
Pass the butter yo. Ain't in no mood for olio.
Damn straight yo. We go wit da flow.
Got the Jimmy Dean sausage. Brown breakfast sausage.
Yo it's spicy pork. Don't need no goddamn fork.
I know I be a smarty. This food am mighty hearty.
Hear that bell that ring? Join me and sing.
It's breakfast time. Come here my rhyme.
(Chorus)
It's feast time.
You's be filled with glee
At my blissful recipe.
It's Biscuits. Biscuits and gravy.
freshly split
buttery enchantment
hearty contentment
Don't be lazy. Taste my gravy
Taste like shit? Damn foo. You don't like it?
Well fuck you!
I slather I don't skimp. I'm the B&G pimp.